Love and Other Mishaps
by Eternity's Angel of Mercy
Summary: Who didn't want the conversation between Shepard and Joker in Purgatory to go a little differently? After all, EDI shouldn't be the only one Joker is paying attention to... Rated T for language.


Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect, or the characters of the awesome game. This is dedicated to one of my readers, CommanderHawke667, who was looking for a FemShep/Joker fic. I hope you all enjoy!

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**Love and Other Mishaps**

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There were many things that Shepard had done wrong in her life. She had made promises knowing they would be broken; she had assured friends that they would return from missions that they never made it out of; and she even turned against the Alliance, the people she had promised to serve and protect no matter what.

One thing she had not done, however, was abandon her men. If there was one thing Shepard was sure of, it was that she was an attentive and compassionate CO. She did what she could for everyone under her banner and no one was left in the dark when it came to face time with the commander.

One night, while making her rounds, she stopped by the cockpit to check in on Joker and EDI. Joker was in the middle of a heated argument with the AI.

"-can't simply take over the processor core and disrupt all of the controls!"

EDI's voice was calm as she replied, "I was only attempting to make the Normandy more effective. Reaction time to your controls is up point-five percent."

"I didn't need the reaction time tinkered with!" he snapped. "I had everything perfect! I knew her hesitations and planned accordingly. Now you've messed up the entire-"

"Joker," Shepard said quickly, alerting the two of her presence. "What's up?"

Joker swiveled around, dark eyes burning in anger. "EDI went and-"

"Joker," Shepard interrupted again, glancing over at EDI. "EDI, maybe you want to go take a walk around the crew deck? I think Liara needed help cataloguing some of the new Prothean data?"

EDI stood in a fluid motion, stalking past Shepard with more emotion than Shepard was prepared for. "Yes, Shepard."

She waited until EDI was safely out of hearing range before sinking into her abandoned chair. Joker was watching her with a mix of appreciation and skepticism. "Remind me to keep you on the deck every time EDI's here. This might be your new part-time job; keeping the unshackled AI from tampering with everything."

Shepard smiled and waited, knowing that if she was silent long enough, Joker would start spilling his guts. It was a time-tuned method Shepard only used with Joker. After four years of being on the same ship (minus the two she was dead, of course), Shepard was getting pretty good at reading the flight lieutenant.

"I am happy for her and her new independence," he finally admitted, voice seeming rushed. "But does she need to assert it every ten seconds?"

"Are you upset about the body?" Shepard pressed gently.

"What? No, no way!" he exclaimed, turning in his seat so he could better see her. "It's nothing like that. I mean, hell, just _look _at that body. I would never be upset about staring at her all day. It's just… then she opens her mouth."

Shepard tried not to laugh. "Really, Joker? I never took you for the 'women shouldn't speak unless spoken to' type."

Joker rolled his eyes. "Very funny, Commander." He was silent for a spell before his tone softened. "She's too fucking smart. I can't deal with it. At least when you or Vega corrects me, I don't feel like a Neanderthal."

"You don't?" Shepard teased.

Joker gave her a pointed glare before sighing. "She's just…I don't know. Sometimes I wish I could get a break. Maybe if we weren't stuck on the damn bridge, could get some real food…"

"Well," Shepard began smoothly, "I have some errands to run on the Citadel after we get back from Grissom Academy. Why don't you take some shore leave? I was planning on letting the entire crew take a day, get some r-and-r. Maybe a few drinks?"

"We're in the middle of a war," Joker argued feebly.

Shepard reached out, patting his arm. "Take some shore leave; that's an order. If I hear you stayed here and did God only knows what, I will kick your ass."

Joker nodded, unable to keep the grin from his face. "Well, when you put it like that…"

Shepard chuckled, getting to her feet. As she was heading for the elevator, the intercom crackled and Joker's voice filtered over. "Attention all crew, if you see Shepard, you should let her know what a badass CO she is. Who else gives their entire crew shore leave at the Citadel during a war?"

Shepard smiled, shook her head, doing her best to ignore the shouts and applause from the petty officers throughout the CIC.

* * *

Shepard had been taught discipline from a very early age. Having two Alliance officers for parents, it wasn't hard to see why. She was taught that she was Alliance, first a foremost. With that ingrained in her from her first breath, Shepard learned to never get attached.

Of course, as any mortal being could attest to, Shepard wasn't perfect. She did get attached. She loved and depended on each and every one of her crew.

And perhaps one person more than others; not that she would ever admit it aloud.

Shepard tried not to think about it as she walked through the Presidium, checking shops for any useful mods or upgrades. She even gave in to the one frivolous desire she allowed herself by buying a few models for her room.

Right when she was calling a cab to take her back to the Normandy, her omni-tool lit up with an incoming message. She opened the ping, a grin flitting over her face.

_Moreau, Jeff: Shepard, Purgatory, now. I need drinks and you make more money than me._

Shepard shook her head and slid into the waiting cab, murmuring, "Change of plans. Can you get me to Purgatory?"

The cabby nodded, waiting until she transferred over the steep price to his terminal. The drive was quick and Shepard barely had time to get settled before they were touching down outside of the massive club.

Shepard had never been one for clubs. She was graceless on the dance floor, hated getting hit on by the scuzzy guys that seemed to lurk at the bars, and never seemed to pick good drinks whenever she attempted to. _Lucky for me Joker is here, _she mused. _That kid can pick the drinks like a pro. _

She made her way through the throngs of people and toward the lower bar. She spotted Joker immediately from where he was leaning against the bar, nursing a tumbler or something green. She slid into the space beside him, nudging him with her elbow. "What's up, FL?"

Joker turned, grinning. "I didn't think you'd actually show. I can't see you slumming it here with the grunts."

"Well, you see me now," she teased. "Besides, who gave you the impression I didn't like getting down and dirty with everyone else?"

Joker chuckled, waving the bartender over. "For the sake of not getting a sexual harassment complaint filed, I'll ignore that one." To the bartender he pointed to his glass. "Two of the Citadel Slammers." He turned back to Shepard, sighing. "EDI's here, too."

Shepard turned, eyes scanning up and down the bar while trying to find the AI. "Where?" Joker jerked his head to the side and Shepard finally picked her out, sitting by herself at a table. She looked very intrigued by the lighting; probably collecting data on the fixtures, if Shepard would guess. "That's…. nice of you to invite her?" Shepard attempted.

Joker shrugged, taking a long draft from his tumbler. "I don't know, Shepard. All that shit I said a few days ago, about EDI? I thought I was just pissed and talking out of anger. The past few days have been fine; she's been great, in fact. But then I told her I invited you out and she goes all cold and quiet."

"Joker," Shepard began softly, pieces suddenly clicking into place. "You… and EDI?"

Joker sighed, rubbing his face with a hand. "I don't know, Shepard. I mean, what the hell? We're not all getting out of this goddamn war. I just… I want to have someone to connect with. Even if it means getting a crushed pelvis and a broken heart," he tried to joke.

The bartender returned with their glasses and Shepard took a deep draught, trying to hide the expression of disappointment that no doubt crossed her face. She took a few moments to compose herself before asking, "So you told EDI you have feelings for her? And she reciprocates?"

"Told her? No," Joker snorted, finishing his first drink and moving on to the second. "You kidding me? I've only told one girl I liked her, and that was in the fifth grade. I learned really early on that women are ruthless. Once they know they have you around their finger, they twist and twist until you snap. I have a feeling that extends to feminine artificial intelligence."

Shepard forced a smile, downing the rest of her drink, slamming it down and calling for another. "Not everyone is that way," Shepard finally answered. "You can't blame a girl for being a bitch in the fifth grade. All kids are assholes at that age."

Joker shrugged, rolling his head carefully from side to side, as if trying to work a kink out of his neck. "Yeah, well. I can't say a lot of grown women are all that interested in taking a creaky flight lieutenant home. I'm the constant, cute little brother figure. It sucks."

"So… you're settling?" Shepard pressed.

Joker looked uncomfortable. "When you say it like that, you make me sound like an ass. EDI's nice for the most part. She's sexy as hell. And she makes me laugh."

"Do you like her, though?"

Joker downed his drink, making a face. "I don't know. Does it matter? If I make it out of this alive, then I can figure it out." Shepard's second drink came and the bartender slid another in front of Joker, as well. Joker nodded his thanks before turning the tables on Shepard. "What about you, Commander? I'm always whining to you about my issues. What's going on with you and Kaidan?"

Shepard rolled her eyes. "For the millionth time, nothing. Nothing has ever happened between us and nothing ever will. He still thinks I work for Cerberus, for Christ's sake. He accused me of knowing about what happened on Mars," she added, shaking her head.

"Dude's thick," Joker nodded, looking annoyed. "Surely you've got someone."

Shepard shrugged, sipping from her tumbler. "Not me. Hell, it's been six years since I've had sex, how depressing is that?"

Joker raised his eyebrows. "Six… Jesus, that makes sense for me, but you?"

Shepard chuckled, finishing her drink. The heat that came from the excellent mix of alcohol was burning through her chest, drawing up a personal courage she hadn't tapped into for years. "What's that supposed to mean, Flight Lieutenant?"

Joker's hands went up defensively. "Hey, not going there. You still sign off on my paychecks."

Shepard laughed, letting her loosened tongue continue. "Have you ever thought about you and me?"

Joker's eyes narrowed as if he thought she was trying to trick him. "Honestly… I never… it's never really struck me as… as a possibility?"

Shepard felt the vise around her heart and took a deep breath. "Well, what if it was a possibility?"

Joker seemed to be struggling with words. His mouth kept opening and closing like a fish out of water. Finally, he managed to stammer, "Shepard, I don't know. It's chain of command. You're a great friend, and if we weren't in uniform…"

Shepard nodded, her smile plastered on. "I get it, I do." She waived the bartender over again and transferred credits over for their drinks. "Look, I should get back. But if you really want this with EDI, go for it. It's your call."

Joker nodded, looking embarrassed and confused. "Yeah, okay. Shepard, I-"

"Don't worry about it," she laughed. "I just drank too much. Have fun," she added, waving as she departed the club.

* * *

Shepard stood in the shower, head against the cold tile, letting the lukewarm water cascade down her body. _Idiot, _she chided, using the word as her new mantra. _Mom and dad taught you discipline for a reason. They taught you to suck it up, all of those damn emotions, and get the job done. Now you freaked out a friend and made yourself out to be a fool._

It had been four days since the Citadel shore leave, but Shepard had been beating herself up for it every waking moment. Joker had seemed to do his best to avoid her since then, as well.

_Idiot! _Shepard turned the water off with a violent flick of her wrist, angrily drying off and dressing into a pair of lounge pants and an Alliance tank top. She shoved her still wet hair into a messy bun before wandering back into her cabin, grabbing a data pad from her desk. She had just settled down into the couch when her door slid open.

"Shepard?"

Shepard's heart hammered in her chest. She leaned around the divider wall, eyes falling on Joker's hunched form. "Joker?"

"Hey," he greeted, stepping into the room anxiously. "Is it okay if we… talk?"

Shepard nodded faintly before realizing he probably couldn't see her. "Sure. Come on in."

Joker limped over, sitting heavily on the couch beside her. "Look, I don't like how we left things. I mean, you and me… we were tight."

Shepard nodded. "I know. I wish we could just… forget that happened."

"I tried," Joker chuckled, but he didn't sound amused. "I keep… I keep thinking about what you said, and then I think back to all of those times you would come onto the bridge and just… talk with me. And you would hang out and it was so fucking distracting, you don't even know. But… how long?"

Shepard blinked. "How long?"

"How long have you… been interested?"

Shepard leaned back into the couch, wishing the cushions would swallow her alive. "I don't know, Joker. It's been…" she chuckled, running a hand over her arm as if chilled. "It's been a while."

"Before Anderson left?" Joker pressed. At Shepard's nod, Joker let out a short sound of amazement. "Why?"

Shepard chuckled. "Trying to get me to sing your praises?" At his raised brow, Shepard acquiesced. "You always make me laugh. You don't get caught up in the bullshit drama that goes on around here. And you know when to give me space. Some of the others… God, they're like vultures. Always needing something from me at every turn, needing a special trip somewhere…" Shepard shrugged. "You get me without even trying. And you don't make demands."

Joker nodded, watching the sunfish fluttering in her aquarium. "I was just sitting downstairs in the mess, trying to piece together why I haven't been able to look at EDI the same since we talked. And I finally figured it out. You were right. I know she feels something for me. Or maybe she doesn't, who the hell can say if an AI can feel the way we feel. But from how she's been acting, it seems like she was a sure thing. If I went for it… I would get it. I could make that connection before…"

Shepard checked the urge to reach out and touch his hand. She stayed very still, watching the emotions flitting over his face. Pain, loss, fear. "We're not all making it out of this one, Shepard," he finally said. "Our luck can't hold; we've lived a charmed goddamn life up until now, but..."

"Speak for yourself. I fucking died," Shepard tried to joke.

Joker choked back a laugh. "Don't remind me. When Cerberus told me they were rebuilding you… God, the pain I had felt for so long… the guilt. I am the reason you died in the first place. Because I was too stupid to get the hell out of my chair."

Shepard couldn't hold back anymore. She scooted over to him, wrapping her arms around him. He pulled her into his lap, his arms around her in the tightest hold he could manage. "I hated myself. Still kinda do," he admitted, his lips feather soft against the nape of her neck.

"I'm here now," Shepard murmured, pressing her lips to his temple. "I'm not going anywhere."

Joker pulled her chin down, his mouth hovering above hers. "You better not. I just got the balls to talk to you," he chuckled, kissing her deeply.

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Author's Note:

Thanks to CommanderHawke667 for the idea of a Joker/EDI one shot. This wasn't quite entirely what he was looking for (we wanted to see some cat-fight action between EDI and Shep), but I am planning a short chapter-based fic a little later on that will have lots of juicy drama and an angry android.

Hope everyone enjoyed – as always, leave me some love love in the reviews!

Love love,

E.


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